I figured the best way to start this blog was with a little glimpse into how I start my day most of the time, at work. My job is at a mid-sized law firm in NYC. I won’t even say which area, except that it’s a dry one. And yes, it’s a paycheck. It’s one of those positions. In fact, I’ve never really been more than a secretary, though I have a Bachelor’s degree and graduated with honors. I was “supposed” to go to grad school for film studies, but that didn’t work out. Sometimes I wish it did, sometimes not. At the urging of my then-husband (more on him later), I enrolled in a paralegal program, which I also did well in. My writing skills were so good, one professor offered me a job, but I never felt being a paralegal would make me truly happy. Since I needed something I could be passionate about, I went through career limbo again. In fact, I haven’t been able to make up my mind on that front from the time I turned 16 until just a couple months ago when I had my revelation that I would be great at medical writing.
Today, my boss tells me that I need to “focus” more. He saw me using the phone a couple times and said that as a result of my non-focus that some stupid mistakes occurred with things that were sent out. Whoops…
Let’s be frank here: I just can’t concentrate at work. I don’t remember the last time I was truly able to. That’s not to say I never try because believe me, I do. But the atmosphere, coupled with my Adult Attention Deficit Disorder combine to make things more difficult than they should be for someone who isn’t even in a position of much responsibility. In this post, if I end up offending someone, I’m sorry. But I have to be honest about the experience, or else what is the whole point of keeping this journal?
One of the things I like to, or rather need to do, in order to function each day is to take plenty of notes. And where better and least conspicuously than on my best friend, the Post-It note. Now my boss says he saw me on the phone a few times. If only he would take a gander under my keyboard! Both beneath it and taped to the top are all my post-its. Every single thought I have is written down for fear that it will soon vanish from my memory because it will- I have almost no short term memory. It’s a pain in the ass. Anyway, on one of my Post-It writing binges, I was able to compile a list from over twenty sticky notes of all the reasons having Attention Deficit Disorder makes my worklife a living hell.
Here they are in no particular order:
1. The lady who sits behind me, who I suspect has the extreme hyperactive version of A.D.D., makes me lose focus and gives me headaches. She never shuts up. I wish they would move her.
2. chronic lateness (since I was little actually)
3. constant internet research (always have to be looking up something interesting)
4. making stupid errors on easy ltrs. & having to correct them. Causes shame
5. number dyslexia. In fear of writing down phone #’s backwards
6. sometimes I tune out when given instructions on a task. More embarrassment (inattention)
7. I get irritated easily, especially when I’m at the copier with a complex job.
8. I can’t stand people who stand behind me and wait.
9. I abhor small talk and try my best to avoid it.
10. My job is not very stimulating. A third grader can do most of it.
11. My coworkers on the most part bore me to tears.
12. I am not a “career secretary” like many here have become.
13. I’m always looking ahead to the next venture.
14. Constantly in fear of being found out.
15. Cannot disclose ADD, etc.
16. I feel out of place because I’m not in my element. I feel people don’t see me as intelligent when I’m actually more intelligent than they are. In fact, I could have gone to law school. But a) it’s not creative and b) I might not even make it through law school out of boredom. I’d be wasting my time and money on something I know I’d eventually hate.
17. The file lady who is always looking for stuff on my desk. I hate when people go through my things, and I hate when they invade my personal space.
18. I put off easy tasks ‘til the last minute because I feel my life is too valuable to waste time on that stuff. It can be put off; my interests can’t.
19. I don’t officially wake up at work til around 11:30 or 12. I come alive at night and because my brain doesn’t want to shut off, I get to bed really late. I get up late and feel groggy. Thus starts the endless cycle of sleeplessness all week.
20. Work is too business-like and not engaging. I lose focus because I perform menial tasks. My brain craves stimulation and will fall asleep if not jolted awake by something fun.
21. I feel like a child trapped in a woman’s body.
22. I always wonder why I never learned proper time management.
23. I’m beyond sick of making excuses.
24. I should be making more money than I do. I should have more responsibility and a job more in tune with my capabilities and intelligence. I have a college degree that I feel I am wasting. I have wasted money and time sitting behind a desk.
25. I hate billing and working with numbers.
26. Sometimes I second guess how to do simple first-grade math like addition and subtraction. Most definitely long division.
27. I can easily turn out pages and pages of material on topics that interest me at the same time as doing required work.
28. The littlest noise sets me off.
29. I always feel like someone is judging me or talking about me. I can pick up when someone is looking at me. It’s like a sixth sense.
30. I try to finish people’s sentences before they do.
31. I have difficulty with conversations in that if I’m not able to get out what I want to say, I will forget it and get pissed off.
32. I tune out during conversations where someone talks about themselves. Probably because I have so many interesting things going on in my head that they couldn’t possibly gain my attention. I feel selfish because of this.
33. I have a short fuse.
34. I cannot tolerate idiocy. I especially can’t stand poor grammar or people who don’t know how to talk.
35. I really hate people who eat loudly with their mouths open, smacking their lips. It makes me cringe.
36. I hate being interrupted from my work to talk about commonplace topics.
37. I hate when someone peers into my desk as they walk by. So intrusive.
38. I hate nasty cologne on women.
39. I get headaches very easily.
40. When rushed I feel overwhelmed.
41. I often just push things aside if they look too daunting.
42. It takes me weeks, sometimes months to get some things out.
43. I hate having to help people with anything because it disrupts me.
44. If I get ideas, they usually poor in nonstop and work become an afterthought. Sometimes they poor in so fast I feel sick to my stomach.
45. I sometimes forget to take lunch because I lose track of time and either have it really late (like 3) or not at all.
46. My breakfast is usually not very healthy, for a multitude of reasons.
47. Fake people really test my patience. I can see through people in a second.
48. I don’t trust so it’s hard to form relationships with coworkers. I’m also very private, so that contributes to the difficulty.
49. I get cold very easily.
50. My desk drawers are extremely disorganized.
51. I leave things til the last minute because I can usually get them done very fast. No one realizes just how fast I can work. I’m easily underestimated and I think this is an advantage, but one of the only ones I have.
52. I try my hardest to avoid as much human contact as possible.
53. I have to look over instructions several times.
54. I’ve sent things to the wrong countries. I’m not proud of it.
55. My day is dominated by making lists so I won’t forget any of the multitude of “brilliant” ideas that flit through my head
Needless to say, I would do better to be self-employed, but my finances (and my skill level in medical writing) are no where near where they need to be for that. But knowing who I am and what I absolutely cannot tolerate makes me hungrier to reach my goal each day. And yet, I have to keep going, mess that I am.